


Irises suit you well

by Frechi



Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "did you ever love me?", A lot of suppression, Blood, Fighting, Hanahaki/Star Diease, Love Triangle, Mild Threats, Realizations, Tears, Unrequitted Love, cursing, something like gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:20:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27401122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frechi/pseuds/Frechi
Summary: "Didn't practice end earlier?"There remained the silence a bit longer, them being left in discomfort."Had to take care of a certain someone's duties as the team captain," Iwaizumi finally answered even though he sounded grumpy and a little unsure if he should have told him that, if he should have said anything at all."So what have you been up to to leave so early?"He knew what the answer would be but he still hoped for the dumb brunette to reply differently. It only hurt in his chest when this soft smile spread across his lips, the smile he would only show in conjunction with one.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru
Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994737
Kudos: 2





	Irises suit you well

**Author's Note:**

> Day 5:  
> •Realizations  
> •Hanahaki/Star Disease  
> •"Did you ever love me?"
> 
> Please do not use my work for anything!

When had it started? This feeling Oikawa shared. It never had happened before. Girls had been all he had liked and volleyball was all he truly loved. For him to fall in love with a boy...  
For a long time it had been a thought that had been incomprehensible for him. His mind couldn't take hold of the idea of it, the idea of loving what- and whoever you just simply love without having a specific reason, people and things you love just because of the love they cause inside of you. He had refused it, suppressed emotions stacking up like a bottle that was slowly filled with sand, an hourglass that let his time run out. It had been also because of these emotions he had refused to acknowledge that he had been so horribly close to actually hitting his Kouhai in the face. Luckily Iwazumi could prevent it by a hair's length. He had dragged him away, had headbutted his face instead and lectured him with harsh words. Yet it had needed these words for him to realize what had driven him into that position. When he then had thought about it, opening and closing his hand with that he could almost feel the warmth of Kageyama's skin, he came to understand what he was feeling for the longest of times. He began to understand why he felt this feeling he had recognized a lot sooner than he had acknowledged it. The reasons he felt that way, it was nothing new that he was incredibly conflicted, twisted, contradicting himself in many ways. Always playing mischievous tricks, getting himself into difficult situations, making his childhood friend's blood boil and not at least his useless pride. Even though he seemed to have more bad habits, he had his good sides too. He was actually a caring person, he just expressed it differently, getting the best out of people was what he was best at. If he could, he would still help the people he resented even though inside everything bristled against it. It was just how his warped personality was. As if they adjusted to it, his feelings were no different, twisted, contradicting each other, loving the younger boy like no other, loving him for his talent, for his cute innocence and his honest passion and love for volleyball that he shared. But at the same time he couldn't stand him like no other, jealous of his talent, annoyed by his obnoxious persistence to ask to teach him tossing, and resentment for his passion and love for volleyball that were paying off more than his own efforts. Next to the young, small, dark-headed boy he felt most accepted, loved and adored and yet at the same time oppressed, inferior and casted away. He felt wanted but unneeded. This Kouhai of his made it all seem so easy and difficult at the same time. When he played, Oikawa held his breath in awe of his form and play, the way he tossed and set the ball was so full of grace, elegant and beautiful. But even though he could never take his eyes off of him, feeling butterflies in his stomach, an incredibly painful lump always clogged his throat along with them, when he saw with what ease Kageyama was able to exist, the pain in his knee seemed meaningless. Kageyama let his hardships seem just insignificant. And it felt as if the pain in his knee was getting worse as well as the feeling in his heart. Yet he could only be proud of Kageyama. It was only too bad what the constant exchange of emotions wreaked.  
These feelings twisted and turned inside of him, pulling at each other and whisking his stomach. It was like a storm raging or rather like a war being fought without knowing which side would win. But the outcome would be just the same as the leavings of a storm. He would be in chaos, damaged even.  
Yet in the end he silently swallowed it all, even though he felt like he was going insane. There was no way he could let it out. If it was twisting him so much, how conflicted only would be those around him?  
Until one day it wasn't avoidable anymore. It wasn't hidable anymore. When he stayed back after everyone else had left already. It wasn't unusual for him to do so. And the fact that he was good at hiding certain things let his teammates have no idea of what he was facing once again. Except for one who knew him better, sometimes even better than he himself.  
Iwaizumi watched his childhood friend when he hit the balls over and over again. But even though his form was perfect, the energy didn't run out and with every scoring ball the frustration only grew. He watched when the brunette made more mistakes and then finally snapped. He hit the ball with all his strength, smashing it on the ground where it ricochetted and hit the wall. The sound became more silent with every bounce the ball made. Oikawa sat down, a bitter expression on his face when his thoughts and feelings confronted him again. He tucked in his legs, his arms bound tightly around them while he buried his growing louder head in his knees.  
"The heck was that about?"  
Iwaizumi pushed away from the door frame, entering the big room completely.  
"Iwa-chan," Oikawa paged surprised with his soft, joking voice, putting it on in order to hide, while he watched his childhood friend coming closer.  
"So?"  
Oikawa looked questioningly, concealing himself with a put up innocence of which Iwaizumi knew it was pretended.  
"What was that about."  
He sounded more like ordering than asking.  
"What do you mean?" Oikawa asked, still not dropping his act.  
"You are still pretending even though there is no one around, are you an idiot?" Iwaizumi fired back, stunning the brunette a little bit with his bluntness.  
"You think I didn't notice? You really are dumb, Dumbass!" he raised his voice, scolding him further, "You know, everytime you think you need to handle something alone is when you mess it up and you wouldn't if you would rely on others, at least on me!"  
He stared at the spiky haired boy for a moment longer, words had left his mouth and head completely.  
"Ha," he suddenly laughed out loud, covering his lips with one hand, "Of course you would know." He sighed subsequently.  
"So what the hell was that about?" he asked once again the question about Oikawa's performance. He clutched his hands a bit tighter while he let himself become a little pitiful, voice lowering out of his joking tone, the softness leaving him and only something hard was left, something hard that dully began to hit him with every word his guilty mouth let out.

"I love him"

It was a silent confession he let happen, small words quietly being produced by his throat which dissolved equally quietly in the air after being picked up by Iwaizumi's ears.  
He sighed heavily.  
"Whatever you do, don't force him into something he doesn't like."  
It took Oikawa by surprise, the gentle yet steady hand that patted his back with a confidence he didn't feel right now.  
"Wait, Iwa-chan!"  
He scrambled to his feet at the sight of his leaving friend.  
"Did you understand anything I've just told you?" unbelieving he asked.  
"Did you? Because if I find out later on that you pushed him into a corner I will hit you again. Thrice as hard as last time. And now come. It's late, we have to head home."  
Oikawa could only do so much as stare at his back while he put on his shoes.  
"Hurry," he yelled across his shoulder at the brunette, "or I'll leave without you."  
He stared stunned.  
"He," he then laughed to himself, "you are way too cool," mumbling without him to hear, he began to move.  
"Wait for me, Iwa-chan!"

Oikawa admitted that he felt a little bit better now, that he wasn't the only one to carry this secret around. But the fact that the relationship between Kageyama and himself didn't improve, it only got worse by the day, outweighed the relief he had felt and in the end he left Kitagawa Daiichi with an even more bitter and frustrated heart. Not having made a move at all, he didn't necessarily regret it as he had decided to keep it a secret he would never again tell anyone, he didn't regret his unfair behaviour towards Kageyama either, he didn't regret that he expressed his love with hate, though he was sorry for almost hitting the younger one.

And that was it. Middleschool. Probably one of the worst memories for Oikawa. Because it haunted him still, even after he had cut this part off, or believed he had cut it off. He also had decided to bury the whole thing, all his feelings. It was only much harder than he had thought, even though he had known from the start that it wouldn't be easy at all. But who would have thought that something else made it impossible for Oikawa to forget.  
It happened in his second year in highschool. When the coughing started. It was in the middle of practice. He was forced to go down on one knee, so violently he was shaking from the coughing. He felt the incredibly overwhelming stinging in his chest, like something was breaking through the flesh walls of his innards, it felt as if something was ripping him open inside. His throat began to burn, he even began to taste iron yet nothing left him, nothing but the painful air he threw up. And even though it eventually died down and he could move again, his teammates, of course, were worried sick about him, sending him home early. They were so serious about it, he couldn't refuse. Else they would have put him in a coner, covered with their jackets. So whether he spent his time at home, not playing, or in the gym, also not playing, didn't make any real difference.  
Sighing while he changed, the door behind him was opened and closed, steps entering and next to him two hands grabbed the folded clothes.  
"You don't have to leave too," the brunette mumbled a bit frustrated that he had to end his practice sooner.  
"What are you talking about? It's not because of you, I just need to be home early today. My mom needs my help with something."  
His stubborn reply made Oikawa smile just a little.  
Of course he was aware already, just how important Iwaizumi was to him. But moments like these strongly reminded him again. And no matter how bad the situation had been, he always had been there to steady his wavering feet.  
Yes, Oikawa was grateful to his childhood friend. And sometimes he even felt bad that he had to put up with him all the time. But that was only sometimes and very faint and fleeting.  
"You comin' or what"  
The voice of the short haired took him back to the club room, Iwaizumi already waiting for him at the door.  
"I thought you didn't leave early because of me," his mischievousness was back, no regret, whatsoever, to annoy his friend.  
"I figured that we could go together since we both leave early but I guess I don't have to wait for you," not even showing any interest in his teasing at all, he just turned and began to leave.  
"Wait, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa scrambled, hurried once again, after his friend, rushing to put on his shoes and jacket, snatching his bag and leaving after him, closing the door behind himself.  
"Hurry," Iwaizumi yelled, already at the end of the stairs. He was waiting, of course, for this dumbass childhood friend of his but right now he would never admit it, though he knew that Oikawa already knew about his kindness. He was grumpy, a bit angry like always, yet, while they were walking home together, he was relieved to see his friend returning to his self, joking with stupidity, laughing at his anger and teasing him endlessly. Yes, it was much he was putting up with and it surely was annoying and exhausting but there was something indespensable about the way they were, about the way they communicated, about the way their friendship and they themselves were connected.  
"Watch that your coughing doesn't get worse. I will hit you when you miss practice because you got carelessly sick."  
It sounded like a threat. But nonetheless it made Oikawa smile once more, how his childhood friend aggressively cared for him. He knew how to read him, it was mutual.  
"Iwa-chan, will you nurse me back to health if I really get ill?"  
It was his teasing again. And he, of course, only earned a menacing glare before Iwaizumi disappeared inside his home.  
Looking after him until the door was fully closed, he then turned his eyes away, the smile still on his lips.  
"Thanks," he mumbled to his deaf ears with a quiet voice before he entered his own home, leaving the word to just simply vanish in the air.

He had it under control to some extend. The coughing. Whatever it was, it was only getting worse the more time passed, becoming more violent, causing him more pain with every time. But he could hide it, in a certain kind of way. He didn't want to bother anyone with it anymore, he knew they would get upset at him, worrying about it, he wouldn't be able to play at all! So he hid the fact that the coughing wasn't gone. Even though his disappearances stood out, he always excused himself with having to be somewhere, having to urgently see someone, suddenly having to do something, or just with 'restroom'. Because he felt it coming, everytime. It was creeping, slowly rising inside his chest like a beast getting ready to roar. There were places, he had found out, weren't much used, places where he undisruptedly could have his moments of painful weakness.  
"Ah," he rattled with a sore throat. It was frustrating. Maybe he should let a doctor check it after all. But what if it would turn out to be something serious? He, he was certain, would be chained to the bed, not able to play for a long time if not forever. It was something he wouldn't trade. Not even for his own health. As long as he could play, it was fine. He could endure it. Especially now he could not allow, he didn't allow himself to let his team down, now, that a practice match was laying ahead.  
His hands were shaking a bit when he fixed his clothes, wiping his mouth with the towel he always brought for practice. He had made it a habit to only bring dark coloured ones. Since the coughing had started, he often would have saliva being left all around his mouth. But since last week there was also blood. Not much but enough to stain the light coloured towels.  
Sighing, he put it away into his bag. Lastly, he checked his clothes for traces but to his relief he didn't find any. He sighed again but not stressed. He sighed because he felt eased. He then made his way to said gym where the practice match was already taking place.

With every step he gathered self-confidence, building himself up after being weak for this overlengthed time. When he arrived, he was so ready to beat the other school but when he entered the gym, to his fright, he was met with a reaction from himself he didn't expect.  
On the field, right behind the net, was his supreme Kouhai, looking at him with his never changing eyes, this dumb, dumb stare, running with deep admiration. Even though the rest of his face didn't show it, it was still there, unchanged since middleschool and if Oikawa wouldn't know it better, he would have expected the darkette to ask him to teach him tossing.  
It took him by surprise, for the split of a second.  
A ball flew at him, hitting his head hard.  
"Oi dumbass!" Iwaizumi roared at his late entrance, "Get the hell ready!"  
It also took Oikawa by surprise. But it did the necessary to bring him back, putting his bag aside and changing out of his jacket and pants, revealing his tricot underneath, he then quickly joined the match, following their line-up he took the spot next to Iwaizumi who sceptically looked him up and down when he did.  
"Get yourself together, you can cry after," his friend murmured to him. He knew exactly how this long time dumbass friend of his must have felt during that match. There were concerned, dark eyes watching him when Oikawa swallowed. They saw it all, when he nearly whinced while he chased the pain out of his eyes, putting up a smirk on his lips to fool them all. Iwaizumi saw every little force and coercion Oikawa put up with to conceal. He watched it flowing through his features, finally turning his eyes apart when the whistle sounded. Yet he still kept an eye on his friend throughout the whole match. He noticed how Oikawa endeavored so hard to stay confident but from time to time, just in a few little moments, he saw how his face twisted apart from the smiley guy with confidence. And he saw how his eyes looked at their Kouhai with difference, difference that shouldn't be there, difference of two opposites. It displeased him to see the brunette like that, so that a certain relief washed over him when the match was finally over. And when they took off for home, there was this particular gaze in Oikawa's eyes. Eyes that admitted to the most painful thing they had been forced to see yet it was the thing that captivated them with its indeniable beauty, making it impossible for them to tear themselves apart. Because it had felt like stargazing, looking at something so beautiful, capturing his attention with ease yet he couldn't help but hurt because he knew he could never reach the mystifying sparkling that seemed to be right in front of him but, at the same time, was something he could never even come close to. And Oikawa knew that he was a mere witness of this sky he had taken notice of before. But so was Iwaizumi. A mere witness of the repeated downfall of a great force that became so little from time to time. Such a strong person that would always crumble through the cracks in the glassy ground underneath his feet if he was touched again by this person. And the only thing he could do was to stand there on the hollow ground underneath the broken glass, trying to catch his best friend that always got caught up with the worst.  
"Come her for a second," he said in a quiet voice, not demanding nor scolding him. He pulled his wrist a bit and Oikawa followed him to a nearby park. He followed him without hesitation to in-between the trees.  
"Let it out"  
The spiky headed didn't look at him, let alone turn around.  
"You don't have to tell me," he heared the soft haired tell him but there was a certain unstableness in his voice.  
"Ah, shit"  
"Goddamnit, Oikawa," Iwaizumi mumbled again, it was no accusation. He grappled his stupid childhood friend at his shoulders, pulling him down so that he could reach his head. Only barely he did see his hands wiping across his eyes, making the sensitive skin redden before he pressed his forehead against his shoulder, sparing him from the embarrassment and humiliation he would feel even in moments like these with this dumb pride of his, sparing him from being hurt even more.

The storm inside Oikawa was raging on, you couldn't even call it fighting anymore. These opposites were just straight up killing him. And he couldn't stand it. He resented having to be this weak. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help himself. And in all this, he came to realize something about this resentment he felt towards his Kouhai as the feeling was the same.  
That this was it. That's what Kageyama was. Resentment. And hate. But at the same time love and affection. Seeing him again after these years, Oikawa was painfully reminded why he had fallen for him. And to the agony of his already hurting heart, it happened just as fast as it had happened then. He fell again. Without ever falling out of love.

"This is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard coming out your mouth and you talk a lot of bullshit. How the heck is that in any possible way the logical thing to do?"  
A big crease, as if it was engraved, was between Iwaizumi's brows.  
"You are stupid but not stupid enough to forget what happened just recently."  
"And I just told you. That that's why I want to see him more often."  
"And I tell you that it's no good!"  
The darkette turned to Oikawa with a mix of annoyance and anger. He just didn't get the point.  
"You impossibly can want to feel even more pathetic than you do now."  
His words were harsh but it seemingly was the only way he would understand.  
Oikawa's lips pressed into a thin line. He didn't agree. But he didn't want to be apart any longer. This distance between him and Kageyama was too wide. And he felt incredibly lonely on his side of the end.  
"Fine," Iwaizumi declared into this tense air between them. "Do whatever you want. If you get hurt it's your own fault. I won't take your responsibility and help you out. But if I find out that you forced Kageyama into something he didn't want, you will experience an entirely new pain."  
Displeased he passed his friend. There had been much he had put up with but this... This was something he would not go through. He refused to support him with hurting himself.

But unfortunatly for both of them, while Iwaizumi blamed it on his pride, Oikawa was stubborn. So he found himself standing at the entrance of Karasuno High the next week. His heart was pounding to his throat and he was swallowing nervously, uselessly trying to calm himself. He had rushed here right after practice was over just to be able to see his lovely Kouhai. And now he was just standing there and struggling. The nervousness only increased, making it unbearable to just be there. It was not really hard to give in to the desire to run away but right when he wanted to leave, steps were closing in.  
"The great king?!"  
A familiar voice yelled surprised and shocked and it chased a shiver through his body. Oikawa swallowed once more before he turned around, a put on smile on his lips.  
"Yahoo," he cheered his greeting, lifting one hand.  
"Oikawa," the captain greeted him, although a little surprised.  
"Do you have any business here?" Sugawara then asked him directly.  
"W-well," he couldn't prevent this little stuttering, "I have. With my cute Kouhai here."  
His voice gained more confidence with every word but the nervousness increased as well when he put an arm around Kageyama's shoulders playfully. The touch made him fidgedy inside.

Sawamura looked at him with a little suspicion. That guy still was a bit creepy. But this was not the court. And the brunette seemed pretty sane right now.  
"Don't cause any trouble, Kageyama," the buff third year addressed his younger teammate who nodded once.  
"Then we'll go ahead. Please take care," Sugawara said goodbye to them.  
"Shouyooou," Nishinoya called his friend to follow, "hurry or the meatbuns will be sold out!"  
Even though the orangette should rush to the rest of the group because of the buns, he watched his friend and his Senpai a moment longer, his eyes looking from one to the other as if he wouldn't trust them even though there was no specific reason for it, though the lingering memories of the practice match could be the cause.  
"Coming," he then yelled over his shoulder.  
"Don't worry, I'll eat enough buns for you too." Declaring that with one of his wide, bright smiles, to which the darkette bounced his fist against his head.  
"That's useless, I won't be eating them even so. You only want to eat more!"  
"You are way too mean. I was just trying to be friendly!"  
"You are an idiot is what you are!"  
Chasing the smaller one away with loud words until he hurried after the others, Kageyama sighed as soon as he was gone.  
"You are just as much of an idiot as he is," his Senpai commented while he watched the ridiculously coloured cloud of orange hair disappear in the distance.  
"But he might be even duller than you."  
A chuckle ended the silence in the air and the younger one didn't know what he should answer, so he changed the topic.  
"So, um...what did you want from me?" Kageyama asked after the brunette was done laughing.  
He cleared his throat and started walking out of awkwardness, Kageyama following.  
"Guess I just wanted to talk to you," he said but his voice was lowered a bit as he was damn embarrassed. He even refused to look the younger one's direction.  
"Okay?" He clearly was confused, not getting anything of it and his reply also sounded more like a nonplussed question. It was strange for Oikawa who always had seemed to not like his company at all, to suddenly visit him at his school. And it only got worse when the brunette, of all things, started the conversation with: "You finally found some friends at last, huh?"  
"Y-yeah," he replied, being so surprised by that kind of question that he almost flinched. It was uncomfortable, having that talk until the very end of their way to Kageyama's home. And Oikawa pushed it even further when he said goodbye with: "See you soon"  
Perplexed the younger one lowered his to the farewell lifted hand while he stared after the brunette, pondering what the hell all that had been about.

On the other side of the end Oikawa had a little jump in his steps. Although there had been this embarrassing awkwardness in the beginning, the whole thing went pretty well and he was more than happy, tickling butterflies fluttering through his whole stomach, they even flew up into his chest, making his heart tingle with the mere memory of how close he had been to Kageyama. He almost was skipping his way home. But when he made a turn into his street, his home coming into sight, another figure appeared, also on his way home. Iwaizumi only now was coming back. It was unavoidable to meet.  
Oikawa swallowed when they exchanged distanced glances. The mood still was tilted like the tower of Pisa. Both of them didn't like it. So Oikawa was equally awkward as he didn't know how to interact, as he was tense because he didn't know how Iwaizimi would react, when he finally spoke up.  
"Didn't practice end earlier?"  
There remained the silence a bit longer, them being left in discomfort.  
"Had to take care of a certain someone's duties as the team captain," Iwaizumi finally answered even though he sounded grumpy and a little unsure if he should have told him that, if he should have said anything at all.  
"So what have you been up to to leave so early?"  
He knew what the answer would be but he still hoped for the dumb brunette to reply differently. It only hurt in his chest when this soft smile spread across his lips, the smile he would only show in conjunction with one.  
Iwaizumi's eyes hardened.  
Oikawa opened his mouth, eyes looking at the ground with tender love.  
"I went to Ka-"  
"If it's about Kageyama I won't hear it."  
Iwaizumi interrupted him immediately, with the correct syllable of the wrong answer he had so dearly hoped not to get.  
The affectionate features instantly vanished and only eyes that allowed just so little of all the hurt Oikawa felt to show on his face, remained. His gaze hardened as well when he looked up, his childhood friend in the eyes.  
"Then I don't have anything to say to you."  
The door loudly fell shut as if Oikawa had done it intentionally.  
And Iwaizumi only gritted his teeth. There was so much happening right in front of him but there was nothing he could do to lessen the pain that sooner or later would be inflicted. What was there left to do if the help and advice fell on deaf ears and an ignoring mind?

"Yahoo," Oikawa's cheerful voice greeted the group like he did so often these days.  
"We leave him in your care," Sugawara answered fluidly as if he had only been waiting for the brunette to greet. Well, it may have become some kind of habit, as often as the Seijoh student would stop by.  
He waved after his Kouhai's new Senpai and continued to wait a bit longer. There was a certain giddiness bubbling up inside of him, engulfing him with wholesome anticipation. Perhaps he had gotten a bit childish in that regards. But it was part of being in love and besides, it wasn't something bad and when he heared the footsteps and the voices arguing, he noticed them even before the footsteps, the warmth smoothed over the tingling a bit. Though seeing Kageyama made his heartline lash out in abnormalties. But Oikawa knew how to cherish this sight, he knew how to cherish this emotion but he also knew how to keep it to himself, locking it inside. And that was the problem. Because he didn't let them out. They stacked up and made it so very difficult to remain his usual self when the small Hinata tagged along because everyone else had left already. It was a great disturbance because his lovely Kouhai mostly talked to him and not Oikawa. He felt unnecessary. And of course it was bugging him because the quality time with Kageyama was what he had come for in the first place after all. It made him angry, more than it should have, maybe he was jealous too but of what was the question.  
Their friendship?  
How stupid.....  
.....It was not stupid.  
Of course he would be jealous of what he had refused to have although he wanted even more than that. Their relationship had never changed from admiring Kouhai and resenting Senpai. Thus did it always feel a bit awkward too when they were alone. But what Kageyama and Hinata had was actual friendship, honest and brutal from time to time but always remaining, even through a fight. These thoughts made Oikawa chuckle a little contemptuously. In this relationship he saw himself a bit in Hinata's position. And Kageyama clearly had obtained Iwaizumi's behaviour. They were just like them. Even though it felt as if this time Iwaizumi wouldn't stay like he always had. Maybe Oikawa had pushed it too far this time, he felt like they were actually ripped in-between them, the tear pushing them apart more and more. If he would continue this way they surely would end up seperated in a fight.  
But then the question was:  
Could Oikawa trade this lifelong friendship for someone who didn't even know how precious he was?  
It downed him even more to think about it so he drove it away, concentrating on his annoyance when Kageyama decided to take a detour to accompany the orangette to his home.  
A crease formed between his brows. It was as if the taller one of the younger ones tried to avoid being alone with him. And that was super frustrating. All in all, this evening had a really aweful development. So when they finally dumped the energy ball at his stupid home, the brunette was still displeased. It was like a bad aftertaste of a really disgusting meal and even though his mood gradually brightened, he still sighed a big amount of times, it pulled through the whole way, even to his front door.  
"Um, good night and take care," Kageyama said goodbye. It was still awkward and it certainly wouldn't change.  
Or would it?  
Was it even possible for them to advance their relationship?  
Oikawa shook this unnerving question off, opening his mouth to reply. But it came very much differently. When instead of words only painful air left his lips. His body began to shake violently with every cough his lungs threw out. He slumped over, fingers clawing into the fabric at his chest that felt like tearing again. It was so brutal that he wanted to rip it out. He barely got any air, saliva dripping from his teeth and smearing all around his mouth.  
From outside it looked as if he was dying.  
And Kageyama was only watching in fright, not knowing what to do, he didn't even know what was happening.  
That was when Oikawa smashed a hand against his lips, the next cough making him freeze with a sudden silence, just to split up his chest, all the way along his neck.  
The cough felt abusive.  
The liquid tasted like blood.  
Whatever he caught in his clutched hand felt like a seperated part from his innards.  
"What should I do?" snapping out of it, his Kouhai screamed at him, helpless, at a loss.  
"I'll get my sister!"  
It was unusual for him to panic like this but at the same time Oikawa was surprised that he could think like that when his brain was only scattered with the violent shaking.  
Right then when the younger one turned for the house, Oikawa clenched him at his arm, clutching him so hard it hurt through the fabric of his jacket, nails digging in deep.  
"Don't," his voice fabricated a sound that was there but not really. It was more hot air than a voice but the raspness still sounded somewhere along.  
It had Kageyama flummoxed but at the same time it turned him to stone. While his Senpai was shaking with painful motion, coughing like he was trying to get rid of his lungs, he just stood there, halfly turned and watched the brunette slowly, very, very awfully slow calm down. Eventually the cough died as well and everything that was left for Oikawa to do, was breathing. He was wheezing through cracked breaths. But he was not slumped over anymore though he also didn't stand tall all the way.  
"Are you okay?" Kageyama asked in a silent voice, dropping any formalities. The fear sitting too deep in his bones.  
Oikawa nodded slightly, the motion silently hurting his throat.  
"What even was that?"  
His heart jumped, just a little, not to hurt his sore and aching chest, when he spoke informally with him again. It actually felt like an improvement.  
"Nothing," he still lied to him. "Just a bug that flew right into my mouth."  
It was so implausible, he didn't dare to look Kageyama in the face, closing his eyes with one of his smiles. He could still feel the gaze though. These eyes, dark as the sky by night, were practically screaming at him.  
Are you shitting me?  
"I'm fine now, don't worry. Though I swallowed that bastard, I could get it out." His voice was raspy and sore.  
Sceptically the darkette looked at his Senpai again. He felt uncomfortable to just leave things there with him but to his bad luck, the older one had always been super stubborn. He really felt not good but there was nothing he could do. Though he eyed him again and again before he closed the door behind him. And Oikawa was just smiling and waving at him the whole time.  
Was he an animatronic?

Oikawa coughed a single cough into his fist. It sounded hollow, nothing like before. He felt like that a little bit himself. Hollow. It was not relieving in any way, it was just nerve-wrecking and it felt like as if with everytime, besides the coughing getting worse and worse, a part of him was taken, like just cut off.  
He clutched his hand tighter around. And the next time he opened it, his brows contorted irately and with incomprehension when he stared down at the single bloodred petal in his palm.

But still, despite it, he kept his mouth shut. It was hard enough to deal with his own emotions, if the people around him would show their too, all the concern and worry would weigh on him just as equally heavy as his own already did. There was no way Oikawa could carry that much weight with him.  
He was eager to convince his teammates, to not even let them come close to the thought of him being ill. Although one he couldn't get on his good side.  
He felt guilty nonetheless, he didn't want Iwaizumi to be like this with him. So when practice was over and they had already changed, Iwaizumi on his way to leave, he, as it had happened so often in the past, hurried after him.  
"Wait, Iwa-chan," he called out to him again and again. But his childhood friend didn't stop. Instead he ignored all of his voice. Until he caught up to him in the middle of the school yard. His hand grabbed his shoulder, pulling him around, leading the darkette to yank his shoulder out from under this little calloused hand but he underestimated the oomph and tripped over his own feet, landing his butt on the ground.  
"Iwa-chan, are you alright?" the brunette asked with a little worry in his voice. But it was less than appreciated, when the concern sounded so soft like the tenderness that was inside his eyes sometimes, when he watched their Kouhai.  
"I would be if you would finally stop," he answered angrily, he wasn't even grumpy anymore.  
Nonetheless the hand of the smooth haired already was sitting in his vision, offering help. Although it lost a little of its straightforwardness, sinking just a bit.  
And his mouth meekly answered:  
"You know that I won't end this."  
Iwaizumi's face scrunched up with spleen over his shitty stubbornness and the pain this whole charade caused. He was so ineffably angry.  
"Screw that!" he yelled, slapping his hand away. "You can't be that stupid to actually continue this whole thing!"  
But Oikawa only looked down at the ground ruefully. He knew that it harmed him, feeling it first hand. But he couldn't just end his feelings like that. He couldn't just drop seeing the younger one. And that showed. Iwaizumi saw very well what he was thinking. Incredulously he shook his head.  
"Forget it," he furiously said, standing up on his own.  
"I can't believe you"  
He passed the brunette irately and frustrated, he told him a last sentence while he crossed him.  
"Don't come to me crying afterwards."  
He left behind his childhood friend. But could he even still call him that?

He would be lying if he wouldn't admit that he felt a little guilty standing in front of them like nothing ever had happened. But there was a certain selfishness that suppressed that part a bit, he didn't feel much of the guilt, he rather was happy to be able to see him again or rather he knew that he should feel at least one of these emotions. Yet he didn't really, neither of them. What he felt, flooding his body, replacing the blood in his veins, was pain. He saw the marks on Kageyama's face, of course he had been crying and Oikawa knew that he was most likely the last person each of them wanted to see right now. But he still had come. He didn't know what he expected from it. Maybe he had wanted to have a chance to comfort his beloved Tobio-chan. But now that he was there, he knew all the more that he had no place with him, not now.  
"Just wait!" A sudden voice yelled. Startled and surprised he looked at the orangette.  
"We will beat you the next time!"  
There was so much confidence in his voice, it surprised Oikawa even more when he claimed that, even though his face began to scrunch up again while he was fighting against it vehemently. It was written on his face that he was about to cry again.  
"Ha," Kageyama was no different.  
"That's right." He also bore this incredible confidence in his voice, though his face was not contorted in hurt, there was a big grin beaming at him.  
"We will get stronger. And then we will beat you."  
This optimism was so ridiculously steady, it irritated Oikawa, in fact they both were staunched from their own words. And it made him laugh. Not in ill will. It was Kageyama's growth. He had gone through a lot of change and right now that was most seeable. Yes, his Kouhai was different but it didn't make him love him less, he came to realize it while his laughter faded. He couldn't help it when he replaced it with an intense gaze. A gesture of equality, he showed them, just how they showed him, that he was serious.  
"I will see you on the court then."

He felt aweful. Even though he had put up a front and was able to bury the hatchet for the matches, the air around him was still a downer. He just had beaten the one he never wanted to see cry. And the mood between Iwaizumi and him was still tilted.  
A deep sigh escaped his lips when he left Karasuno High behind.  
When the other volleyball club members had passed him, he had felt a little gap reopening. Of course, it was a devastating loss and he hadn't expected them to be on fabulous terms with him. But the more surprised he had been when most of the members had a similar attitude like the two with this ridiculous quick. They just had promised to get stronger, smiling at him confidently and it made the reopened gap already close again. They really were a team full of oddities. And perhaps he had come right after their loss to his school just to check on them, mostly on Kageyama though, because although they were friendly with each other, they were not close. It was good to see his Kouhai doing fine though and it was also kinda reassuring to see his mates well as well. Because now he could concentrate on beating that snob of a person from this oh so fine snob school.  
But for that he had to restore the good bond between himself and Iwaizumi. So he went back to his own school where he knew they would be done soon, knowing that he had replaced him. He waited at the entrance. Although, as a student, he of course had the allowance to enter the premises but he didn't dare to go to the club room or the gym or somewhere where Iwaizumi could see him. He needed the time to gather himself. He needed the time to lay out his words so he wouldn't make the talk go the wrong direction. And when the spiky headed finally came, of course he saw Oikawa, and wanted to pass him, Oikawa stopped him with a question that came out his mouth a lot more silent than he had intended to start this conversation with.  
"Can we talk?"  
It wasn't what he had planned to say at all.

Iwaizumi heared the begging plea inside the familiar voice. Although it still was hidden so well like these feeling he didn't want his friend to pursuade, he couldn't withstand them. They were just present enough for him to chain his actions to this dumb voice.

Oikawa was a little surprised at how Iwaizumi actually stopped.  
"Talk," his voice replied. It was a silent order, almost sounding like the demanding bow of a dog.  
It made Oikawa swallow.  
"I know you won't be swept just like that, especially not by me with this whole....thing...."  
Iwaizumi didn't even turn around, he didn't even make an attempt to try and Oikawa just hung his head again while he continued.  
"But we are facing off against Shiratorizawa. Can't we get along at least for this match? I know it's just as important to you than it is to me."  
He waited in silence, anticipating an answer, almost praying for a reply in the positive.  
The silence streched out into a painful time span.  
"I will," Oikawa's head beamed up with a grateful smile on it.  
"If you stop this game you play with yourself."  
His smile crumbled instantly.  
It felt like he was denying Oikawa's feelings. And a lot of them, being dammed up, bursted through his suppression.  
"Why won't you approve of it?!"  
"Because you're being unreasonable!" his answer fired back immediately, hushing the brunette and forcing a temporary silence over them again.  
"Wha-"  
"You know there won't be coming anything out of it! You love him but you hate him so there CAN'T be anything coming out of it! You will only drag him down and destroy him. He will be scarred for his life if he were to get involved with you any further. You are too twisted for him!"  
Iwaizumi finally turned around, his face was contorted in choler. It had been some time since it all had started, he had tried so many times but Oikawa still didn't get it.  
"When you see him hurt, you have this certain gaze in you eyes. It's worse than when you destroyed you knee!" he hollered at him.  
"It makes me unable to watch because you are in pain even more. You are the one who looks like breaking, you are the one who is busting because of it, because you know what he doesn't know. Why won't you see that you are crippling yourself?"  
His face contorted, anger vanishing into nothing and instead there was this deep running concern.  
"You're aspiring more from it for nothing. Why won't you finally stop this?"  
And for once it made Oikawa unable to look at him.  
"You know that I can't," his face, facing the ground, let the words go nearly ashamed.  
The hurting eyes stared at his smooth hair, his tense features which he could only barely see until he tore himself apart.  
"It's not that you can't, you just refuse to. You don't want to let this go. You are making the choice to destroy the both of you because you don't want to get over him. Honestly, just look at yourself. You are like a kid clinging to a toy that is not his. What nonsense..... Just cling to him all you want. But if you destroy him and dwindle at your guilt don't expect me to be there. Don't even try to ask me."  
Iwaizumi set the final nail into the coffin. He cut the line as he could not cross it any further. And it seemed like Oikawa really had been able to trade this friendship for a one-sided love.

The next time Oikawa went to see him was a lot later. He had lost. Against Shiratorizawa, against Ushijima. This defeat had hurt him. Of course a defeat always hurt but his time, because it was him, Oikawa hadn't cried only because of losing against him, again. Ushijima was like a force of nature. Strengthening his oh so glamorous private school and his volleyball team, they, especially he, was like an insuperable mountain. He had made so many attempts already, to conquer him but again and again he had failed. Losing against that again had hurt his pride, again. Shiratorizawa, Ushijima Wakatoshi, was in that point comparable with Kageyama. He let his own efforts look so unimportant, unnecessary, pointless, petty, meaningless and then he dared to tell him every goddamn time their paths would cross that he should have come to his ridiculous noble school. It was as if he would be mocking him. That didn't necessarily hurt Oikawa's pride but it taunted him, making him so unspeakably angry, so maybe it hurt his pride after all. It also was the reason why he had been so grouchy since then, the tilted mood between him and Iwaizimi added, not even that day they had really spoken to each other, and also his suppressed feelings for Kageyama, a lot was stacking up again. And if he had seen one of the sources of this aweful thing filling him up, Kageyama, while he had felt like that, he would have snapped. It was unnecessary stress that he wanted to avoid. In the end he had lost against his desire to see his cute Kouhai again. So he found himself waiting for him at the gate again, doubts plaguing him. Maybe that was one of his stupid ideas after all, maybe he should run after all. Maybe Iwaizumi had been right after all. He was pondering hard but came to no conclusion and before he knew, his time had run out. He heared their voices first, like usual, seeing their little group approach, a few of them had already seen him, lifting a hand to greet him with a bit surprised eyes, so running was out of question even though his beloved Calimero head who was accompanied by the orangette, hadn't seen him yet. He fought the faint desire to call out to him, just wanting his eyes on himself. To those who had seen him already, he also lifted a hand, an awkward hand, to hide what actually was going on inside of him. Though his eyes fixated back on his dear Kouhai quickly.  
The younger one was occupied with a very intense conversation with the orange energyball, smacking his head. Hinata wailed loudly, holding the spot. Oikawa was too far away to understand what they continued to talk about but when the smaller one grinned up at the darkette with a proud grin, Oikawa saw that. And when he shifted his eyes back to his Kouhai, his heart skipped a beat, a smile greeting his cornea that was just so bright, it could have made him go blind, as if he had become the sun himself. And for a moment he got lost in his eyes, blue like the deep ocean.  
Coming closer, they finally noticed the Seijoh student too and while the rest of the group passed him and left, the two of them stopped next to him.  
"Yahoo," he greeted them and the smile on his lips was not completely true.  
"See ya," the orangette said his goodbye and hopped on his bike.  
"I'm gonna beat you tomorrow!" Kageyama yelled after his fleeing friend.  
"You are weird, you both."  
Oikawa didn't spit poison. It was a mere discovery, a discovery that squeezed his heart in a painful way.  
"He's a good friend," Kageyama answered truthfully.  
"And your only one," Oikawa joked. It was only a bit too harsh. Nonetheless, be it out of politeness or because he still though it funny, did his Kouhai turn to him with familiarly lifted lips.  
That was when a reality, he hadn't realized in its truth before, thinking nothing much of these little getures he had seen, rather his eyes had seen them but he unconsciously and unknowingly had refused to see them, broke open this damaged bubble Oikawa was living in.

He was different. Smiling at his Senpai, it was adoring, although he always hesitated a bit before he showed it, as if he was not sure it would be okay, it almost seemed forced. How the corners of his mouth lifted themselves, his small dimples, how his rosy lips didn't part nonetheless but instead almost glowed in their lovely colour. And Oikawa loved every little detail of how his admiring eyes smiled alongside his mouth. Nevertheless, it was different. Loving his Kouhai came with a lot of hardships, Oikawa knew that from the start. Yet then, he couldn't have known just how crippling they would be. So when he first noticed the significant difference, it hurt him in a completely new way.  
And that crushed him.  
Remembering how he had smiled at the much smaller boy, how he always smiled at him that way. It was different.  
The corners of his mouth always lifted into his cheeks, his dimples would be deeply forming on them as if they were engraved and marked, only to show themselves with that boy. His mouth would open and he would be laughing widely, these delighted sounds naturally passing his red lips without hesitation. It was warm and honest. And nothing like the piteous ones he had shown Oikawa.

He swallowed heavily but it felt like he had swallowed the end of a reel of barbwire, the pulley bestowing him with a thread of spiky metal that was ripping open his throat, that began to nest inside his chest, piercing his lungs until they were flooded with blood and caging his heart by wrapping it with the perforating thread of metal, boreing into his flesh walls that were hurting like when the coughing was trying to destroy him once again.  
And there was nothing he could do.

"Wanna take a little detour?"  
Oikawa had decided. He wanted to find out, he needed to know. But the little troubled expression on his Kouhai's face showed that he didn't want to or couldn't, having to be home soon.  
"It won't take long."

In the end Kageyama gave in. Maybe there had been something in his Senpai's face that had made it impossible to decline. So he followed him, although he felt a little reluctant. He didn't know where they were going but on the way he stopped at the side on the road.  
"What's wrong?" Oikawa asked when he noticed his stopping.  
His Kouhai crouched down and plucked out a lonely flower blooming on the side of the road.  
"What do you want with that iris?" his Senpai asked.  
"It's for my grandpa," he answered and his voice was a little silent.  
"Oh," the brunette replied, not knowing what he should say to that when a breeze ruffled through the air, making them shield their eyes a little with their arms. When it died down and both of them lifted their lids again Kageyama, in all his dumbly naive innocence, said something inexcusable.  
"Irises suit you well," his words were when he held the flower in his hands with his outstreched arm, fitting it to the image of his Senpai in front of him that the flower was sitting behind his ear.  
And it was unbearable for Oikawa, so he turned before he could expose the tears that wanted to show themselves.  
"Come on, it's getting late," he just said and continued walking, Kageyama following obediently.  
Oikawa led him to a riverside where he put down his bag and took out the volleyball he always carried around.

"Want me to teach you tossing?"

His question was bitter, it was almost dripping on the ground and Oikawa felt like he had sorrel and a lemon inside his mouth.  
It completely took Kageyama by surprise.  
"Uh, sure," he answered puzzled, putting down his bag as well. He had not expected that. And, admittedly, it felt a bit awkward to toss the ball back and forth. But nonetheless, it was special, even though it happened in silence, only the tapping of their fingers that pushed the ball back up was hearable, it actually was no lesson at all. But what even could Oikawa teach him at this point? He was doing so well on his own.

"You really like him, don't you."  
Oikawa was the one who spoke first, his head back in his neck, eyes focused on the falling sphere that he brought back up the next moment.  
"He is my friend," Kageyama answered, head pushed back, his fingers made only short contact.  
"A friend, huh."  
Oikawa freed the ball from gravity again for a short time.  
"A good friend," Kageyama corrected himself while moving his arms into the sky.  
"Really not more?"  
Oikawa snatched the ball out of the air. Kageyama lowered his arms, confusion marking his face.  
"Because I think there is a lot more."  
Oikawa began to sound angry.  
"You love him."  
Jealousy was speaking out of him, jealousy and his shattering heart.  
"Wha-"  
"Admit it!" he bursted out, silencing the younger one. Stunned Kageyama stared at his Senior.  
"L-love....I don't know," he then stuttered, shy with the mere word, lowering his face with a slight blush.  
"Don't play dumb!" Oikawa yelled in deep frustration.  
"You are looking at him the way I am looking at you."  
Kageyama's head zoomed back up and when his eyes made contact with Oikawa's, he was silenced. The smile on his lips resembled bitter defeat.  
"I never would have thought you would catch me the way you did." Oikawa almost sounded mocking.  
Surprise and disbelief marked Kageyama's face, looking at his Senior with this one thing that refused to leave his gaze.  
"Why are you still like this?" Oikawa asked in lack of understanding when he saw his eyes that still were never changing.  
"I've done a lot to you and there is so much I should have done but didn't do."  
He couldn't grab how Kageyama still could look at him with this adoration.  
"Don't you hate me? Don't you resent me even for a little bit? How can you be so indifferent?" He sounded angered and frustrated, he was angered and frustrated.  
"I don't hate you."  
"Why? How can you not?"  
"I don't know. But...I don't hate you."  
Words Oikawa had wanted to get out, that he had wanted to scream at his Kouhai, they got stuck, clogging up his throat. He didn't know what he should reply, what he was supposed to reply, what he even was able to reply. But there was one question that made its way through all this blockage.  
"Why is it him?"  
It was now Oikawa who had lowered his face, he couldn't stand looking at him any longer.  
"Because it has to be him."  
There was a breaking honesty in Kageyama's voice. It chased away everything that had been inside the older one. The clogg, the bitter frustration and also his heartbeat. It made him pause, it made his body pause, staring at the ground at his feet. When it came crashing back into him, worse than the pain of his coughing had been, worse than the pain in his knee ever could be.  
"Why does it have to be him!" his voice cracking with desperation, the part he couldn't understand. Him. The thing that had made it all break apart. Yet he didn't reply, maybe he didn't know the answer himself.  
Oikawa yanked up his head, his hand was pressed against his chest, trying to keep it from spilling out his body.  
"For me....it has to be you!" he desperately yelled. Had been everything really for nothing?  
"But for me it has to be him," his voice so softly said. He could hear the sorrow, the apology and the painful feeling to hurt him in dissapointment.

It had been hard to admit it at first but after he had realized the reality he perhaps even had refused to see, it was so very easy to admit it. That Iwaizumi had been right all along.

The uncomfortably nauseous feeling in his guts restricted his tongue from moving. This boy in front of him was the one who had made him cry again. He was always the reason he would cry. Losing a match, sure it was painful but it never really made Kageyama's tears flow. The reason why he cried was because he would cry. And even though it surely wasn't his intention, Oikawa couldn't help himself but resent the orangette for it.  
"Well," he began his advice, "you say he shows too little emotions in regards to him confessing to you."  
Hinata nodded.  
"I just thought you might be able to help me since you know him a lot longer than me."  
The small one really had the guts to seek out Oikawa after Kageyama had found his guts to confess to Hinata. In a way, Oikawa was disgusted. By himself, as it seemingly had taken his confession to get this stupid Calimero head to confess. He probably had told himself that if his Senpai could confess, he could too. But that made Oikawa hate himself in a way. It made him sigh, anger lingering so close beneath his skin, anger that he suppressed for the sake of whoever.  
"It's only because you can't read his small gestures yet, you can't even see them."  
There was a lump forming in his throat, his voice becoming raspy but he hid it well.  
"Imagine the both of you in the future, when you greet him while you come home and you see the little change in his face like how his brows relax just a little bit when he sees you. Or how his serious face lits up with your voice and his features become gentle with your presence, when the corners of his mouth lift, his eyes begin to sparkle and his whole posture seems lighter. It's all just so small but it's there. Imagine..." he swallowed painfully, "....you two and how you will love these small things about him."  
It was all that he had witnessed. Everytime he had come for Kageyama, he had seen these little things happening. But until he had noticed the significant difference between Kageyama's smiles, he hadn't though too much of it.  
What a mistake....  
And even though he told the younger one to do it, he was the one who imagined it. This little something, this little world he wanted, it could not be more than a wishful desire.  
"But I don't really know if I want that." The orangette broke apart the beautiful picture of Kageyama greeting Oikawa that equally hurt as it soothed. With a gulp the brunette directed his attention back at the younger one.  
"Then just try it. If you don't like it, it won't hurt you if you leave him."  
The brutal cruelness dripped coldly from his lips, he didn't even try to stop himself. But...  
What was he even saying?  
"Aah, I still don't know. I mean it would hurt him and I don't want that either...." he pondered for a moment, fingers at his chin.  
"Well, thanks for the advice anyways, Great King"  
He kinda yelled while he was already running off at the same time. Oikawa stared after him until he was no longer in sight. That was when his surface crumbled away. He clutched his chest, his face painfully contorted, there was this piercing in his chest. Like something was growing. It very well could have been he himself as well.  
A delicate flower that was breaking through the street, growing lonely and as the only one in the middle of a field of asphalt. And as strong as it may was, coming through the hardened ground like that, as soon as someone stomped on it, it would be broken as well, being just what he always had been, fragile.

"I told you it was a stupid idea," Iwaizumi said with no sympathy in his voice, standing at the door and watching the scene. And Iwaizumi knew that the brunette had stuck to his word, he hadn't even tried once to approach the darkette, silently suffering alone after he had found out about it. It only was so unbearable to bear the sight of the smooth haired, how he was groaning quietly, how his concentration was slipping so more often, how his play was suddenly lacking confidence. How he cried hidden after everyone else had left. After all, Iwaizumi had refused to help him hurt himself, he had kept his word to not be part of this game, but even so, after all he could not have his best friend suffer, he could not endure how he wore himself down even more. Because now it was only himself who he hurt. Culprit and victim were one and the same. And Iwaizumi could not let this abuse happen, he had to end the suffering Oikawa put himself through.  
"Can't you at least have a little compassion for me to spare?" Oikawa asked plaintively, his eyes should be wet already yet there was only pain, having lost something important. No tears. He didn't hold them back either. It seemed like they would just refuse to flow.  
"You are so fucking incurable."  
Iwaizumi's face scrunched up in vexation and yet he, in a way, betrayed his own words. Once again, just like then in the park, he came up to him and put his head against his shoulder.  
It hadn't changed. Despite of everything. It hadn't changed. This complicated affection for his childhood friend. And in the end the painful things always brought them closer together.  
"How am I supposed to have compassion for you when you ignore my warnings and run into the trouble that will hurt you the most all on your own?"  
The spiky headed sighed heavily in frustration yet his hand was so gentle patting his friend's head with all the compassion he needed, maybe even a bit more while the slowly bursting hurt tainted his shirt with clear wetness that suddenly spilled.  
And it became painfully clear to Oikawa. That he was no longer his Kouhai.

Had his advice been helpful? Hinata didn't know. What he knew was that he had tried his best to love Kageyama but some things were just impossible. The orangette actually had accepted his confession. But somehow it only had driven them apart. Because Kageyama shared feelings that he didn't and it hadn't taken long for them to fight. Kageyama wanted something that Hinata couldn't give to him, no matter how much he tried, resolving in more pain than love, more fights than peace, more tears than smiles.

"It's how you are.... True to yourself. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. And you don't hesitate to show it."  
He just looked at him. There was nothing much in his eyes. A bit of curiosity perhaps, while he looked at the perl-like tears gliding down the bigger one's cheeks in silence.  
"Ah," Kageyama let out a suppressed, helpless, desperate sound.  
"You are just like that."  
The way his hollow voice spoke these words, it sounded like an accusation.  
His azure eyes met his ambers. There was strangely little emotion between them. Kageyama didn't sound different even though his tears had spilled unstoppably. And Hinata had just watched with not feeling much.  
He never had stopped believing, he didn't want to stop. He couldn't bring himself to give up. He refused to stop hoping that one day his feelings would be returned. But he had learned that it was only his wishful desire. And by the time he confronted him now, his tears were on the brink of running dry already as there was nothing much left anymore.  
"Did you ever love me?" he choked out and the smaller one just continued to watch.  
"Because even though we are together...this never stopped."  
Tears spun themselves out of his eyes, tracing his cheeks with silk so dazzlingly shining. Pearls that dropped out under his lids, passing through his lashes with ease, shining splendidly in the light. Beautiful like a withering flower, one could forget how to breathe. Like dying stars they decayed, filling the motionless air with sounds that chased away the stagnation his mouth was only able to breathe.  
"So did you ever love me?"  
There was just silence, filled with the quiet sounds of his decaying sight, washing out all his colour. The starry sky he once had held in his irises was now leaving his eyes.  
And Hinata answered with only so little guilt in his voice.  
"No"

He coughed, feeling a streching pain flowing through his chest, following up his throat. He was puking again, spitting out the contents of his organs. Drops of sweat dripped down with them, the delicate petals that were sailing to the ground in all quiescence, in their reddish brown, maybe more a brownish red, like dried blood, thinned out to reach his own colour and a dark, dark blue, one could have even meant it was black. He wheezed, the air flowing through him only rattling and broken, his pipe clotted with his own blood. His eyes followed at what he had spit out, twinging at where they sprouted. They had grown in number again, petals that now seemed heavier than they were, pistils making some of them fall a bit faster. They were developing.  
What was he supposed to do now?  
He had decided that he would undergo surgery if his feelings would be rejected. He knew they wouldn't be mutual and being told that to his face, it only hurt more. He could feel it. Clearly. Pulsating inside his chest, his heart and lungs, as if a construction of branches and twigs would grow inside of him, their sharp edges piercing through his walls. The red they made him spill colouring them, blooming in full colours until his inside wasn't able to hold them any longer. But even though it was only painful at this point, he still didn't want to lose these feelings. There was not much they shared anymore. The feelings they had held were now falling into decline. And it was painful. Being seperated.  
Hinata und Kageyama. They had parted. At some point it had gone wrong, at some point they had let go of each other's hand. Maybe their roads had split too far apart and they had no other choice but to let go, the differences between them had become too wide.  
But Kageyama and Oikawa, even though they both had let it go in the end, they clung to the hand they had held, just enough to never fully lose it. It was one thing that was similar but not the same as Oikawa had to let it go and Kageyama just decided to do so.  
But there still was one thing they had in common, something they would always carry with them.  
Both their hearts were broken.  
It was what remained.  
Pain.  
There was still affection...but no love anymore.  
It became horribly clear how much it had wrecked them, standing there. Cold in the winter.  
Torn apart.  
How unhappy. This unrequitted love they had shared.


End file.
